Brave happens when we dare.
Dare to show up.
Dare to be vulnerable.
Dare to risk.
Dare to make unpopular decisions.
All of these require courage and all are an act of vulnerability.
If you google vulnerability in the workplace, the top hits you'll get are something like “Why vulnerability is crucial to success.” If you look up vulnerability in relationships the top results talk about it being key to the relationship’s success. So if vulnerability is what’s crucial and key to success, why is it not embraced more often in real life?
Vulnerability has become a buzzword, (thank you Brene Brown) but I want to give some examples of what it actually looks like, to show that while we may talk about it and say we want it, we often have no clue what to do when confronted with someone else’s vulnerability.
Vulnerability is your friend telling you that they are having money trouble and are afraid they won’t be able to pay their bills.
Vulnerability is your employee telling you that it feels like all you ever say to them is what they’re doing wrong, that they don’t feel appreciated, and that you feel that they can’t do anything right.
Vulnerability is a colleague saying they’re suffering with depression.
Vulnerability is speaking up about racism and confronting your family about a comment they made that was hurtful.
Vulnerability is a direct report telling you that the team is struggling because they need clearer direction and defined expectations, but you’ve been too busy recently.
Vulnerability is taking on a big new project, trying a new approach and failing
Vulnerability is a man prioritizing his family when he’s judged for not working 50+ hours a week.
Vulnerability is realizing you hate your job and choosing to start something new when you have two kids at home and bills to pay.
Vulnerability is becoming emotional in front of your boss because the work environment is too toxic and stressful when the office culture says “showing emotions hinders your career.”
Vulnerability is a woman saying she might need to stop working to be more available to her kids.
Vulnerability is a man who was recently let go from his job because he wasn’t part of the direction of the company’s new plans.
Vulnerability is a woman saying she doesn’t want kids.
Vulnerability is sharing your story about growing up black in an all-white community.
I know that is a lot but I wanted to show examples from all areas of life that we might be faced with. I also intentionally worded the first ones as being on the receiving end, because I think the problem with us being comfortable with vulnerability is not as much of us being willing to open up and be vulnerable, but us knowing what to do when someone is vulnerable with us and how often we fumble when faced with it.
If we are going to lead vulnerably and start practicing it ourselves, then we have to be ready when someone takes that risk with us.
Part of the issue is that we are often uncomfortable with other people’s pain. Sitting with someone in their pain, with their shame, with their process, is tough. We say we are open to it, but in practice I’ve seen more often than not, people having a difficult time with it once they’re faced with it.
For example, a couple of years ago when both Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain committed suicide, I saw so many people post on social media about how sad it was and that if anyone they knew was considering suicide, to reach out to them and that they were there for them. My first reaction was actually “red flag, red flag!” Yes, that is wonderful, and those battling suicidal thoughts need people to turn to in those times, but people suffering with depression to the extent of suicide is a real and dangerous thing. And most people are ill-equipped to know how to handle that. I have seen people reach out when going through depression and how others froze not knowing what to do with that information. I also have seen people distance themselves from people when they are going through these things, probably because they don’t have the language or know what the best action is to help. We have to know when to encourage others to seek help and also know how to sit with someone in the midst of their pain, and not try to be the help.
When it comes to leading from a place of vulnerability and creating a culture of it in our work and teams, there is a dichotomy at play that I think we have to tackle before we can start telling people to be vulnerable in the workplace.
There are popular books circulating that say the key to success and the company growing to the next level is for risk-taking, courage, and failure to be welcomed and encouraged. But we don’t take the time to break down the old culture first: office politics, leave your emotions at the door, do things my way, know your place and act appropriately for your level, etc. All of these hinder the ability for vulnerable acts like risk-taking and creative thinking.
As someone who has worked in corporate leadership, and specializes in Leadership & Organizational development, I can confidently say that you cannot safely have vulnerability in the workplace if we don’t take the time to intentionally break the traditional corporate culture down.
Vulnerability won’t work and those who take the risks will be punished and pushed out.
I truly believe and have seen in my own life that vulnerability is required if we are going to lead with courage, have meaningful connections, and if we’re going to live our lives with purpose.
But I also know that in order to get there, we have to be prepared when we are faced with another's vulnerability and learn how to embrace it, sit with them in it, empathize, and move closer, not further away, in our connections.